(Content Warning: Eating disorders)
I am currently a full-time student at Queen’s University studying Life Sciences and I want to tell you about my past and current relationship with body image. In my second year of university, I found myself to be very obsessive with what I looked like, what I ate, and how often I was working out. I began to be tired all the time and did not feel refreshed no matter how much I was sleeping each night. I found doing every routine activity to be draining, I cried multiple times a day and experienced panic attacks regularly. I felt isolated (even though I was living with 6 roommates) and wanted to be alone most of the time. I put on a social/happy face around housemates but spent a lot of time stressed/unhappy during the second semester. I was extremely dependent on a routine and would spiral when anything deviated from that plan. I began to experience chronic bloating and digestive issues from the anxiety/stress around food. I was in the mindset of working out to “earn” food, was undereating, and was working out at an obsessive level. My stomach/digestion issues worsened my body image because I felt bloated all the time and this contributed to my feelings of depression.
I eventually became very distant with most of my housemates and my mom/dad/rest of my family at home. I confided in one of my housemates and my older sister who was at Queen’s on the “better” parts of my mental health struggles. But I kept the extent of my disordered eating and obsessive working out to myself for the most part. I was losing weight so it was not unnoticeable, but I spoke of my habits in a healthy way (almost trying to convince myself I didn’t have a problem). I struggled to organize my thoughts and focus on school as I was constantly thinking about food (when I could eat next, how much I would let myself eat, what I was going to eat, etc.). At this point I was having breakdowns or panic attacks daily, sometimes 2-3 times a day.
After finishing second year, I moved back home for the summer. My stomach/gut health became so poor that I would be in physical pain every day. This was the first time my parents/family had seen me in person since Christmas due to the pandemic. My family noticed right away that I was struggling due to my absent yet hostile mood, control over what food was being made in the house, and my obsession with working out. I also could barely make it through the day without 4-5 cups of coffee or a nap because everything drained me. Although my older sister reached out to me, I tried to hide the food-related aspect from her. I spoke about my stress/anxiety/depression in regards to school and when she suggested I speak to someone, I shrugged it off as “people are going through worse things right now” or “it’s just school-related stress and it’ll go away when I go home for the summer”. I always belittled my mental health struggles as being less than because it was self-inflicted. After a month or so at home, I finally opened up about the impact that my relationship with food was having on my mental and physical health. I was about to start a coaching position, a summer class, and an internship and I knew I would not be able to do this with all in my current mental state. My sister again suggested that I speak to a professional.
I first went to various gastroenterologist doctors who just prescribed me with medications (Inflammatory bowel disease/ extreme gluten sensitivity) that did not help and only made my body image/relationship with food worse. I then decided I needed to speak with someone who could assess the situation holistically, including my mental health. I started seeing a physician trained in internal and functional medicine who specialized in gut health/eating disorders. After our initial visit, she requested I undergo various blood testing and after reviewing the results with her, I was deficient in all essential vitamins, iron, magnesium, etc. She went through my typical daily food intake with me and said very bluntly that what I was eating was not sufficient for my daily needs and I was depriving my body of essential nutrients. We discussed the enteric nervous system and how the stomach issues arising from my relationship with food was contributing to my depression and anxiety.
Being out of my university house and having my parents make food/dinners also helped me realize what I was eating was not enough and helped me lose some control. I took it one day at a time and began tracking food to make sure I was eating enough. I started taking supplements to improve my stomach issues which gave me more freedom with the food my body could tolerate. I drew boundaries with working out and spoke regularly to my sisters about my mental health. Even when I was going through breakdowns or anxiety attacks, I would go to their rooms so I could work my way through it in their presence. Even if I didn’t want them to say something, just knowing someone is aware of what you are going through makes you feel supported.
Now, I could still probably calculate the number of calories I eat in a day - I don’t think those numbers ever leave your brain. However, I do not give space to the little voice in my head that tells me not to eat the peanut butter or use olive oil. I eat foods that make me feel good. 2 + years later, I have my gut health issues under control – now following a vegan and gf diet. I don’t regularly cry over routine changes or minor inconveniences that used to send me spiraling. I workout in a variety of different forms and don’t view it as a way to earn food anymore. I no longer feel depressed when I wake up each morning. I have learned to ask for help when I need it, even if it is from a family member. I learned it takes time to fully come to terms with how our own actions can be detrimental to our mental health. Its not easy to find the words to describe how you’re hurting yourself. For those who are struggling with their relationship with food, my advice is eat because the food you’re consuming makes you feel good! Not because of a number you associate with it. Wear clothes that fit you, don’t try to fit into clothes. Block out / remove food labels. Ask to have a conversation with someone you trust, odds are this will lead to future conversations or prompts to get help.
~ Fiona, current student