April 1, 2013 

Queen's University

Monster Attack Procedures

Monsters have been a part of legend & literature for centuries, and it is prudent to make preparations in the event they become hostile.

Reference links can be found at the conclusion of these procedures.


Zombies

Zombies

Without a doubt, the most likely monster attack on Queen's campus will involve zombies.

In 2011, the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) published preparedness procedures for zombie attacks, and in recent months zombies have been discussed on the floor of the House of Commons as well as by the Principal of Queen's University.

In the event of a zombie attack on campus, members of the Queen's community area advised to immediately make their way to the PPS trades shops at the Rideau Building.

Crude weapons to fend off the zombies can be fashioned at that location by utilizing assorted pipes, torches, drills, hammers, and circular saw blades.

Survivors will then make a stand against the zombie hordes at nearby Stirling Hall - chosen not only for its proximity to the Rideau Building, but also because of its circular architecture.

Because if the zombies can't corner you, they can't eat you.


RALLY POINTS:
(1) Rideau Bldg
(2) Stirling Hall

Aliens

Aliens

Although not monsters per se, creatures from other planets are typically depicted in film and television as exceptionally hideous... unless they're intended to be the love interest of Captain Kirk.

The superior technology of these hostile invaders makes emergency preparedness, and especially defense against them, very difficult.

However the recent installation of an emergency broadcast siren system on both main and west campuses enables the university to take advantage of an alien weakness demonstrated in the precautionary film "Mars Attacks".

At the first sign of alien attack, a Slim Whitman song that is apparently fatal to alien races - or at least to Martians - will be broadcast over these roof top PA speakers. (see Youtube video snippet)


SPOILER ALERT:
Click to View Scene from "Mars Attacks"

Frankenstein Monsters

Frankenstein Monster

Contrary to the novel 'Blood Pact', a mad scientist reanimating the dead at Queen's University is not considered likely.... at least not in Kingston.

However, the University's Herstmonceux Castle - located in the countryside of East Sussex, England - with its frequent electrical storms and surrounding moat, is the perfect environment to bring to life a Frankenstein monster.

Although Campus Security has no presence at the castle to prevent such activity, villagers in the surrounding area have made it clear to castle administrators that they have been well stocked with pitchforks and torches for generations.



The novel by whistle-blower FICTION WRITER, Tanya Huff.
(click for book description)

Sea Monsters

Sea Monsters

Seneca legend told of a huge beast that lurked in Lake Ontario called "Gaasyendietha", and over the centuries a number of such sightings have been reported in the lake bordering campus.

For instance, in 1833, Captain Abijah Kellogg of the schooner Polythermus was making for Kingston harbor when he was forced to take evasive maneouvers as a serpent "of about 175 feet, of a dark blue color, spotted with brown... (and) the middle his body was of the circumference of a flour barrel" steered towards his ship.

In the event a sea serpent or other lake monster is reported, Queen's University and the City of Kingston will impose a "no swimming" rule along all Lake Ontario waterfront. ('yellow' zone on accompanying map)

If the creature is equipped with tentacles, then the exclusion zone will include all waterfront property up to and including King Street. (green zone)

However, if it is more along the lines of Godzilla, able to actually leave the water (red zone), then a push notification will be sent to all SeQure Safety phone app users with the simple message "Run!".


Map of waterfront exclusion zones based on sea creature threat

Ghosts

Ghosts

If there's something strange,
in a Hall named Goodes,
who you gonna call..?

A Ghost Buster!

It's fortunate for Queen's that the family home of actor and paranormal expert Dan Aykroyd - writer and star of the movie franchise "Ghostbusters" - is located just north of Kingston.

The home was the scene of many early-20th century séances and led to an interest in paranormal activity for Dan Aykroyd and at least two generations before him.

Queen's University has made arrangements with Dan Aykroyd to rid the campus of paranormal spirits whenever there has been a confirmed ghost sighting or in the event someone gets "slimed".

There have been reports of ghost activity in a number of locations in Kingston and at Queen's, including the Agnes Etherington Art Centre, Dunning Hall, The Grad Club, John Deutsch University Centre, and the newest addition to Queen's: The Isabel Bader Centre for the Performing Arts.


Dan Aykroyd and his fellow Ghostbusters

Werewolves

Werewolves

In September 2009, Queen's University posted a media release debunking the existence of Werewolves on the same day it welcomed its 20th Principal, Daniel Woolf.

That release coincided with edicts from the Principal's office that removed silverware from campus dining halls, divested the university from all stock holdings involving silver mines, and also sold off a taxidermied horse that was donated to Queen's in the 1950s - best known as the steed of serial-western film star, Clayton Moore.

And on a completely unrelated note, be aware that Campus Security does not respond to Off-Campus Response calls during nights with a full moon. Any noise complaints during those times - particularly ones involving barking, howling, growling, or gnashing of teeth - should be made to Kingston City Police.

Students residing in a specific area near main campus - perhaps best described as neighboring Principal Woolf's house, where he can often be seen doing yard work wearing a "Team Jacob" t-shirt - are advised on those nights to securely lock all doors and windows and to bring their pets indoors, including dogs, cats, goats, rabbits and especially backyard chickens.


Some backyard chickens


To be informed as early as possible about monster attacks on campus, as well as for other incidents regarding safety and security, you can follow Campus Security on Twitter and Facebook, sign up to our Alert-Listerseve email, and install the SeQure Safety App on your phone.

NOTE: The above monster related procedures will be deemed null & void if Queen's University is successful in establishing the proposed student exchange program with Monsters University.

Oh... and Happy April Fools Day! :)

 

 

[See more of our April 1st pages here]

REFERENCES & EVIDENCE

Zombies

- Canadian House of Commons discusses potential zombie invasion from the United States. (video)

- Quebec plans to test emergency preparedness against Zombie apocalypse.

Aliens

- Scene from "Mars Attacks" showing the effectiveness of Slim Whitman's yodel against alien invaders.

Frankenstein Monster

- Blood Pact: Blood Ties, the novel by whistle-blower FICTION WRITER, Tanya Huff.

Sea Monsters

- Information about "Gaasyendietha", the Lake Ontario sea monster.

Ghosts

- Dan Aykroyd discusses ghost activity at his Kingston area home (video)

- Ghost stories in Kingston and on Queen's campus.

- Kingston's Haunted Walk and the Ghost in Waldron Tower.

- Report of a ghost watchman at the Isabel Bader Centre for Performing Arts.

Werewolves

- Serial-Westerns movie star, Clayton Moore and his horse.

- Team Jacob vs. Team Edward

 Credit: Character drawings by Jose (Salamanderxvii)